Hullo!. Who’s that cheeky scamp over there? Why it’s deranged cyclops cleric Abu Hamza! And what’s that Abu? The first person to kill an infidel in the ultimate act of martyrdom will win this delicious glazed ham? Well there’s a tantalising offer and no mistake. I think I’ll be getting the Tube home, eh?

As something of a ‘fuck you‘ to the British Egg Information Service who, as keener readers will recall, have still not answered my query, I’ve taken it upon myself to infiltrate the British egg industry via other means.

Here is the first item in a vast portfolio of advertising material which I’ll send to the British Egg Marketing Board who will immediately hire me, making me their EGG CZAR responsible for every aspect of egg promotion in the British Isles. I’ll then shut down the British Egg Information Service, cackling and wanking as I do so.

I spent longer on this than I’d care to admit.

This is Anita.

She lives in a slum in Bangalore.
This is her life.
It’s a tough life for an 8 year old.

But here’s a thought:

What if she didn’t have to spend all day doing chores?
What if she didn’t have to walk so far to fetch water?
What if she didn’t have to look after her baby brother?
What if she had enough to eat every day?
What if she had a sponsor like you?

Well that would be amazing.

For just 50p a child like Anita can buy the fishnet stockings she needs to forge a career in prostitution.

Anita’s life won’t be any different tomorrow unless someone like you steps forward today and gets her on the game.

Go on. SPONSOR NOW.

Novelty ‘dead child’ draught excluders, only £9.99!

Are you struggling to find the perfect present for that special person in your life? That special person who may or may not know that you were in their back garden last night? Why not give them a unique, personalised gift that will last a lifetime? The gift of a god.

There are quite literally dozens of gods. From the sprightly flute-playing deities of joy and peace to mighty abominations hell-bent on the destruction of the entire universe (including your face), there is a god to suit every taste and for any occasion.

From just £20 you can name a god of your choice from a variety of religions, creating a timeless and quite unique keepsake that can be cherished forever.

Each god comes in its own beautiful hand-crafted gift box featuring your chosen name, a framed pictorial representation of your supreme being and a luxury leather-bound booklet detailing the god’s history and divine powers.

Here are some gods named by our previous clients:

What are you waiting for? Order today. Our staff are poised like ravenous hyenas to take your call.

Please note that while naming a god as a gift or goodwill gesture will almost certainly win you favour with the recipient, it is unlikely to be recognised by any faith of merit and does not imply or infer any legal rights in respect of your chosen god.

What better way to kick the living fuck out of those hunger pangs than with a hearty mouthful of Müller Soup Corner? An extra large helping of boiling hot cream paired with a delicious concentrated lentil, mushroom or chicken corner creates your creamed soup just the way you like it.

This is the captain of your ship calling, and unless you buy a Soup Corner now you’ll be put in the hold with the others, and interfered with.