It never fails to amaze me how persistent some people can be, from the mewlings of an attention seeking child to the seemingly Sisyphean efforts of telephone marketing companies. Mercifully children happen to be quite small and so can be locked in cupboards or stuffed into a cavity wall, but there’s only so much you can do when faced with a pushy, sweating salesman desperately trying to peddle you some woefully substandard shit that no one wants. Unless of course you happen to have a particularly large cupboard, and a hammer.
A few years ago the Coca Cola Company noticed something strange in their quarterly reports, namely that people weren’t drinking as much sugary diabetes-inducing piss as they used to. Despite saturating the airwaves, glossies and children’s media with as much shiny glee as their astronomical budget would permit, people were somehow exercising free will and drinking something else. What was this mysterious fluid that now sated thirsts where once only a delicious, refreshing gulp of Cock Coke could? Water.
Man has been drinking water since the discovery of fire left him slightly parched. It’s delicious (in as much as it tastes of nothing, so there’s nothing to dislike), wet and great for rehydration, what with it being water. Water is brilliant. Of course the water that gets pumped into our homes through elderly Victorian pipes is supposed to be full of cancerous toxins, sickening microscopic horrors and snot, so no one in their right mind would drink it. Mercifully some bright spark was kind enough to bottle the freshest, most delightful waters of the world for us as they gurgled up to the surface of some far-flung mountain range, and of course to charge us well over the odds. Thanks Evian! THEVIAN.
Back in the towering corporate fortress of Coca Cola headquarters a fire of unspeakable malice started to burn with intense fury, fuelled by outrage that someone else should profit from the wetting of throats. It was time for payback. Using technology developed for the space programme to turn astronaut’s piss back into potable water, Coca Cola’s coven of scientists devised Dasani, a water-style drink reclaimed from reservoirs, puddles and urinals, bottled wholesale and offered to the general public as a delicious alternative to actual mineral water. The fuckers.
Dasani water, as enjoyed by a fucking enormous mouse
Unfortunately for Coca Cola it was only a matter of time before their secret leaked out. Dasani was soon withdrawn from the British market when the public discovered that they were paying to drink their own piss. Oh, and there was a bit of bromate poisoning as well, but that’s not nearly as funny as the idea of an entire nation happily gargling their own liquid effluence. Endgame.
Cut to this afternoon, as I sit in a coffee shop eating a particularly delicious sandwich and delighting in the awkward dynamics between the proprietors (he’s invested all of their money in the shop, she hates sandwiches). Having felt a little emfeebled of late I thought I’d find something to perk myself up, and found my eyes drawn to Glacéau’s range of Vitamin Waters. Mmm, just think of the energy all those yummy vitamins will bless me with! See the promise of uncanny superpowers boldly emblazoned on the label! It was only as I gulped it hungrily back that I noticed the words ‘Coca Cola‘ printed on the bottle. I froze.
The piss is back. Just as they preyed on our demand for lovely gushy water back in the days of Dasani, now the Coca Cola Company close their terrible claws around the soft, pale throat of the current ‘healthy lifestyle’ bollocks – all smoothies and vitamins and magic pegs – before herding us into the killing pen and drawing their mighty corporate bolt-gun.
It is time! Time to rise up against those who would see us drink the nectar of our own kidneys! Time to set upon this corporate colossus and tear it asunder, burning what is left and showering the remnants in the same glistening yellow micturate they would have us drink. Only then will justice be served.
Failing that you could always not drink Vitamin Water. It’s your choice, really.
Note: Working on the assumption that I am almost guaranteed to hear from Coca Cola’s lawyers, I’d like to point out that the above is my perception of events and does not necessarily reflect the Coca Cola Company, their products or their practices accurately. I do however stand by the bit about burning them. Burn those fuckers good.
