So, all I need to do is learn how to code, sign up for the iPhone Developer Program, write a complete clone of S.T.U.N. Runner and submit it to the App Store. What a piece of piss. I’m willing to bet small amounts of someone else’s money that I could have the whole shebang done in under ten years.

Don’t worry, I don’t really have any phasers. Phasers are a made up ray gun thing from Star Trek. It’s all part of a hilarious pun you see, in as much as you can make a pun out of something by simply adding some punctuation. Oh it’s all falling apart isn’t it?

I’VE DONE IT ALL WRONG.

This whole pun fiasco was supposed to serve as a devastatingly witty introduction (where necessary) to S.T.U.N. Runner, a fantastic 1989 arcade game by Atari. For reasons still not entirely clear to myself you, the protagonist, had to hurtle down a series of tubular 3D chasms at breakneck speed in some sort of futuristic bobsled. It’s an experience probably not unlike doing the Cresta Run having been spiked with a near fatal dose of weapons-grade hallucinogens, or being shrunk to the size of an ant and flushed down the toilet into a sewer system made entirely of brightly coloured geometric shapes. In a little ant toboggan, of course. I have vivid memories of jaunts to the arcades by the seaside with my good pal Flaps as a child, straddling the brightly coloured S.T.U.N. Runner machine and pumping a startling quantity of freshly-minted 20p pieces into it. Happy days.

It was while playing my fashionable iPhone the other day that I happened to reminisce on those halcyon days of my gaming youth, when suddenly a thought rammed itself right up my brainpipes:

“Why hasn’t S.T.U.N. Runner been ported to the iPhone?”

It makes as near to perfect sense as you’re likely to get from me. The iPhone (or iPod Touch, for the paupers among us) has more than enough magical computer powaz to churn out a game from 20 years ago, and the motion sensors in the iPhone could be used to replicate the movement of the yoke-style controls from the arcade machine. Why, it’s almost too easy. All we need now are the following things (in no particular order):

You see? This should be a piece of piss. If that bearded West Country oaftrumpet Justin Lee Collins can just about but not quite get the original cast of Grange Hill together, then I can surely get an elderly computer game ported to the iPhone. Think of it as a sort of challenge which I’ll almost undoubtedly fail and then pretend never happened in the first place.

The first step is to get in touch with the original Atari team who produced S.T.U.N. Runner…


From: philtom [mailto:philtom@ummah.org]
Sent: Sun 29/08/2004 03:46
To: rodti macleary
Subject: BUSINESS MANAGEMENT & CONCEPT.

RICHARD TREVOR ESQ.
Principal Partner

—————————————-

From: Hans Vogel [hans@vogelvogelvogel.co.uk]
Sent: Sun 29/08/2004 03:46
To: philtom [mailto:philtom@ummah.org]
Subject: BUSINESS MANAGEMENT & CONCEPT.
Mr Trevor,

Thank you for your email. I am assuming from your location that you received my details from Otto Klemp in Port Elizabeth? I have not seen him for several years but understand he is still working with the development agencies in SA.

I am interested in your proposition but must say I do not fully understand what is expected of me. If you could furnish me with the initial steps required to partake in this investment I would be most grateful.

Regards,

Hans Vogel

—————————————-

DR. TOM PHILIP

—————————————-

Dr Philip,

Thank you for your quick reply. You are quite right that I should introduce myself fully to a potential business partner, so please allow me to do so now.

My name is Hans Vogel, joint company director of Vogel, Vogel and Vogel, a family company established over 80 years ago. My grandfather started the company as a small business in Berlin, Germany, but in the events leading up to and during the Second World War his business blossomed as the controlling government at the time had great demand for his ’specialist’ services.

In 1945 my family left Berlin fearing for our safety as the city fell into Allied hands. It was from there that we fled to Durban in South Africa, myself just a small child at the time, but it was there I was schooled and indeed met my old friend Otto.

As the political climate changed and the needs for our services on a more global scale became apparent I moved to the UK in 1976 with my two brothers, and we have continued trading under the same company name since then.

Our current business turnover has grown constantly over the last several years, and I am now in a position where I can afford to dabble in various capital ventures and opportunist investments.

I find your proposed percentile share of 15% quite acceptable, and look forward to doing business with you. Could you give me an illustration of the expected return amount by your calculations so that I can compare it to my own? I can then work on securing the required funds from our company assets, and will be able to complete the necessary paperwork within a few days.

If a meeting on European soil is possible it would certainly be easier that my travelling to Africa! It would certainly be easier for any meeting to be in the UK at the moment, as my diary is quite full.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Hans Vogel

—————————————-

Dr. Philip Tom


—————————————-
[I discovered a rather nifty service called YAC which gives you an (07...) mobile number which can also receive faxes. It's free, namely because it charges an extortionate amount to the person calling the number. Any calls can be forwarded to a mobile or landline of your choice. Perfect for my 'special requirements' here...]
—————————————-

Hello again

You can fax the power of attorney to fax number +44 7092 840971. As this is a special fax line solely for the attention of myself and my brothers, please mark the power of attorney with a swastika and your initials in the top right hand corner. This mark should be used in all future correspondence.

I have a number of profitable portfolios in which I intend to invest these monies. They are managed by some close friends of the family back in Germany, and the funds themselves are kept in Swiss accounts. If you are interested in an account with this Swiss bank I would be more than happy to introduce you to them. Their services are very discreet, and membership is quite exclusive.

Kindest regards to you,

Hans Vogel

—————————————-

Please I'd like to know specifically what kind of business we are getting into with you. However, I have a netherland Visa, so perhaps we could meet in Amsterdam next week.

—————————————-

Hello again,

I’l look forward to receiving the documents. Will I have to complete anything or is the form pre-populated? Naturally if I have to do any ‘backdoor research’ to get the form completed I’m quite happy to bend over where necessary.

Do not worry about my company – we are quite solvent and well established. We service a very select clientele and provide a unique product. Naturally our clients are keen to remain out of the public eye, but I can assure you we have had nothing but praise from them.

If you are questioning the Swiss banking arrangement please don’t worry about it. I simply thought you may be interested as we have an arrangement with them, but of course I imagine you already have lots of plans for your share of the money. I know I have! If you change your mind just tell me.

Amsterdam might be possible. Travel out of the country is a bit of a no-no at the moment as I am very busy with some new Argentine clients, but flights to Amsterdam from here are only an hour, and I could probably nip across and back in an afternoon. We can finalise any arrangements nearer the time.

Regards,

Hans

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

Tom,

I’m sorry if I’ve given the wrong impression about my intentions in this enterprise. I am naturally interested in the share of the fund that would be mine when the deal is complete, as there is nothing more comforting to a businessman than the knowledge that an asset is secure, but naturally I am also keen to help you invest and grow the collective fund to our mutual benefit. As you will recall I can arrange a secure Swiss banking service for the collective fund or whatever percentage of it you see fit as a ‘base’ from which we can invest elsewhere. The Swiss organisation we bank with have been very good to us since 1945, when my father left sizeable assets in their care. Indeed, these assets have continued to grow in their care and have been the source of my families wealth for decades. If you do not wish to open your own account there I would be happy (upon completion of certain guarantees) to allow you to be added as a named trustee to this account, giving you the freedom to add any further monies and invest accordingly.

Certainly there are other places to keep money safe while ensuring a commanding rate of interest, but I can assure you as a man of no little experience in the financial market that the arrangement we have with them is unequalled.

The number you have already +44 7092 840971 is my personal mobile number, and you can contact me there. If I am with a client do leave a message.

Best wishes,

Hans
—————————————-
[He's not quite a stupid as he looks, and must have had a look at the domain (vogelvogelvogel.co.uk) that I was mailing from. Of course I was way ahead of him and had built a fake website. It's still there today ]
—————————————-

Dear Hans,

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

Tom,

I’m not sure how I am placed for Tuesday, and so will check my work calendar tomorrow when I’m back in the office. If you are flying to Europe would it not be easier for you to come to London than going to Amsterdam? I could meet you at the airport. As I’ve said I may not be able to come out to Amsterdam on Tuesday, but I’ll find out if this is your only possible destination for some reason.

I am not sure I understand the change in the shared pot from 15% to 10% – could you explain why this change has been made? I really require concrete figures before I can commit.

In the meantime, I will look forward to the fax tomorrow.

Hans

—————————————-

Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

I have received both faxes, thank you. Do you want me to sign them and fax a copy back to you? I am in meetings for most of today so I will reply to any emails later.

I would also like clarification of the percentage share we will settling on, prior to arranging a meeting. I do not want this to go wrong, and would like assurances from you that this will run smoothly. Most importantly I must not fail the honour of my dead father, Obergruppensfuhrer Ernst Rohm-Vogel. Help me make him proud of me for once, instead of the foolish disappointment I was as a child. You surely understand my motivations?

Regards,

Hans

—————————————-

Dr Phil,

Upon inspection of the documents I notice you have not marked them with the symbol I asked you to. I must insist that you perform this one courtesy to me, as a mark of trust.

If possible, please fax the documents again with an initialled swastika in the top right corner of each page,

Thank you

Hans

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

Consider it done

I’ll have my secretary scan the documents and send it right away

—————————————-
[Unfortunately I've lost the scanned documents Phil sent me, with the word 'SWASTIKA' scrawled across each and every page in what appeared to be lipstick. What a fucking clown.]
—————————————-

Dr Phil,

Thank you for taking the time to carry out my request. You didn’t do it quite how I intended, but your action has shown willing and honesty. I will make the necessary amendments to the marks before sending the documents by fax.

It would be much more convenient for me if we meet in London as I work in the city. Thank you for making the effort to change your plans. Am I to meet the diplomat instead of you? Whomever I meet I should like a photograph so that I will be able to recognise you – could you send me a photograph of yourself or the diplomat? We will probably need some way to authenticate the picture too – I will think how we can do this, and also will get a camera to take a picture of myself for you.

I am looking forward to our doing business. Perhaps afterwards we shall sing Deutschland Uber Alles together. Do you know the tune?

Best wishes,

Hans

—————————————-

Thank you for your photo. Will it be yourself I will meet next week? After all we’ve talked about and the business relationship we’ve built it would be a shame to only meet this diplomat!

I have two questions – the first is that I need to be sure that is you – we have built trust but I want to be careful when the safety of this transaction is at stake. Could you take one with something in it only we would know about? How about my company name? I will do the same when I get my hands on a camera, so please tell me what I should have in my photo to make it unique.

Finally, could you please tell me at your earliest opportunity when you will be in London. I will be very busy next week and while I obviously don’t want to miss the chance to partake in this investment venture, I will need to arrange my calendar around it.

Cheers!

Hans

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound unhelpful but I was rather surprised by your last email. We are going to enter into a business venture about which I am very excited, but at the same time I realise that we should both be taking precautions.

I do not drive, but I will scan some identification for you (perhaps a passport) tomorrow when I’m back at the office.

I will have to insist, much as I am willing to send you evidence that I am irrefutably who I say I am, that you will also do the same. I think my request of a unique photograph with a codeword or special object in it was reasonable, but of course if you can suggest something else I will consider it. I wouldn’t make a very good spy with my lack of inventiveness!

Your documents will be returned to you as soon as I have finished reading them, fully completed – this should be first thing tomorrow morning.

Kind regards,

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

I will be emailing the documents back to you this evening – apologies for the delay but I want to make sure I get the swastikas just right, and there isn’t a scanner here so I’ll have to borrow one from a friend.

We will be meeting on Monday, then? The afternoon would be best for me. I suggest we meet somewhere public, perhaps we could do the deal over a late lunch? I know several restaurants that provide excellent ‘under-the-table facilities’ for gentleman clients. It’s a bit like Bangkok in that respect.

As always, I look forward you your reply.

Hans Vogel

PS I nearly forgot, but I will also scan a photograph of myself so that you will recognise me on Monday. The picture on our corporate website is actually of a model called Peter. I met him while they where doing the photoshoot and he was a very nice, gentle young man with lovely eyes.

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

Apologies for my delay in replying. I have not yet obtained the scanner I was promised on Friday, but will have it tonight. Hectic weekend – niece’s wheelchair got stuck in a cattle grid, chaos ensued. It was like Dresden all over again.

Expect my email with the attached documents tonight, then we can arrange to meet and finalise details.

Hans

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

I cannot get this scanner to work. I have slid in the cable again and again. It is all the way in and I have made sure it is the right driver. I will ask my friend to give it to me properly tomorrow.

I am very frustrated – I shall contact you tomorrow.

Hans

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-
At this point I was tiring of Phil and Tom’s nonsense, and decided to up the ante. They wanted to meet in London, I wasn’t anywhere near London, and if I was then I certainly wouldn’t want to meet up. I did however do a quick Google for businesses called ‘Vogel’ in London, and found the following – http://www.nvogelandsons.com. Now this is admittedly a little naughty of me, but I gave them the phone number for N Vogel and Sons, and sent them on their way. Tee hee.
—————————————-

Please ask the diplomat to call this number – (020) 7242 6971

If you are asked tio identify yourself please tell them you are an agent of the Odessa.

Regards,

Hans

—————————————-

Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

—————————————-
I giggled like a fool when this one appeared in my inbox.
—————————————-

Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

I have to go to several meetings in the city this afternoon, and will not be able to leave my mobile switched on. Could we perhaps meet this evening, or preferably tomorrow? I apologise for my busy schedule, but as my associates and I are preparing for the Fourth Dammerung I cannot spare a moment during business hours.

All the best,

Hans

—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

He was engaged when I tried to call him. I shall try Desmond Tambourine again tomorrow.

Hans.

—————————————-

Please ensure that you get hold of him today

—————————————-

Hello? The diplomat is not answering his phone – I am getting very worried about this transaction.

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Sir,

—————————————-
ENDGAME.
—————————————-

Dr. Phil

—————————————-

I had a call from Otto Klemp the other day, and he claims to have never heard of you. Can you explain yourself please?

Hans

—————————————-

THE END

Ignore for a moment the intellectual property lawsuits about to be raised by the former Soviet Union and Pixar’s ‘Monsters Inc’ team, and instead revel in the visual delight that is a dancing Stalin.

I do hope a breakdancing Hitler is in the pipeline.

“I’M COMING TO YOUR HOUSE…”

Thanks to Rock Paper Shotgun

Well pin me to the ground and invade my most intimate privacy with a claw hammer if this isn’t the most exciting gaming news to hit me (albeit slightly after the fact) since earlier today. Namco have brought the Katamari franchise to the iPhone/iPod Touch so that we, their humble servants, can make utter fools of ourselves waving our electric telephones around in the air while on public transport. ‘I Love Katamari’ doesn’t bring anything new to the Katamari series (other than perhaps the novelty of accelerometer-based gameplay) but faithfully executes its trademark gyratory fun which is all it really needs to do, all things considered. Unfortunately there’s a bit of a slowdown when your Katamari increases in size and the game attempts a rather overambitious motion blur effect, but other than that it’s well worth the modest £4.99 asking price. If nothing else it’ll stop you bothering farmyard animals of an evening, you vile devil you.

December seems to have brought a clutch of excellent games for the iPhone and iPod Touch, and the first I’ve got my mitts on is the splendid Rolando. It’s a bit like LocoRoco on the PSP, but uses the iPhone’s built-in accelerometers to allow control of your character by tilting or rotating the device using your lovely hands. It’s very intuitive, great fun to play and has wonderful stylised graphics, not to mention a soundtrack including ‘Ug’ by Mr. Scruff. Considering it only costs smallpence you’d be a fool not to pick it up (assuming you’ve already parted with several hundred pounds and a kidney for an iPhone or iPod Touch).

Overweight thirty-something men are not traditionally very good at sports like parkour. They are not traditionally very good at any sports. This particular demographic of our society tends to look for other more sedentary pursuits, such as sitting on their arse playing Xbox 360 games.

Mirror’s Edge is a parkour game for the Xbox 360. This is the sort of game that overweight thirty-something men can buy in order to immerse themselves in an experience as close to the actual exhilirating sensation of parkour as they are ever likely to get. There is however one very big problem with this. Mirror’s Edge requires said immobile, amorphous gamer to play using two thumbsticks and an array of shoulder button/trigger combo moves. This is very difficult. This causes our protagonist to fall to her death all the bastard time. In fact, your intrepid correspondent has come closer to hurling a not-inexpensive 360 controller at solid, unyielding walls out of sheer frustration than he has in almost twenty years. IT IS INFURIATING. For every brief moment of adrenaline-pumping action as Faith leaps across rooftops making each parkour move flow seamlessly into the next, there is at least one hour of repeatedly trying to perform what appears to be a simple jump, each time finding yourself hurling vertiginously toward the concrete below until it ends with a sickening crunch and darkness.

In summary, then: CONSTANT, ENDLESS DEATH (3/10)

While I don’t necessarily believe that playing violent video games leads people to commit violent acts in real life, I did wonder if my epic GTA4 session last night led to my impulsive purchase of a 6-piece screwdriver set from Woolworths at lunchtime. I’m sure this is nothing to worry about.

Perhaps I could test the effects of gaming on my day to day life by immersing myself in an epic session of Viva Pinata to see if it causes me to spend thousands of pounds in the gardening section of Homebase before consuming a staggering quantity of mindbuggering hallucinogenic substances.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is science.

Incidentally, the screwdriver set was only two pounds. Two pounds!

Finished Portal last night, possibly one of the best gaming experiences I’ve had in recent memory.  It benefits hugely by incorporating cake and the weighted companion cube (above), both of which are gathering an obsessive following as we speak.  Okay, perhaps cake has had a loyal following for a while now by those celebrating birthdays and fat bloaters.  Plush companion cubes are due for Christmas, and I demand at least six for myself.