From: philtom [mailto:philtom@ummah.org]
Sent: Sun 29/08/2004 03:46
To: rodti macleary
Subject: BUSINESS MANAGEMENT & CONCEPT.

RICHARD TREVOR ESQ.
Principal Partner

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From: Hans Vogel [hans@vogelvogelvogel.co.uk]
Sent: Sun 29/08/2004 03:46
To: philtom [mailto:philtom@ummah.org]
Subject: BUSINESS MANAGEMENT & CONCEPT.
Mr Trevor,

Thank you for your email. I am assuming from your location that you received my details from Otto Klemp in Port Elizabeth? I have not seen him for several years but understand he is still working with the development agencies in SA.

I am interested in your proposition but must say I do not fully understand what is expected of me. If you could furnish me with the initial steps required to partake in this investment I would be most grateful.

Regards,

Hans Vogel

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DR. TOM PHILIP

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Dr Philip,

Thank you for your quick reply. You are quite right that I should introduce myself fully to a potential business partner, so please allow me to do so now.

My name is Hans Vogel, joint company director of Vogel, Vogel and Vogel, a family company established over 80 years ago. My grandfather started the company as a small business in Berlin, Germany, but in the events leading up to and during the Second World War his business blossomed as the controlling government at the time had great demand for his ’specialist’ services.

In 1945 my family left Berlin fearing for our safety as the city fell into Allied hands. It was from there that we fled to Durban in South Africa, myself just a small child at the time, but it was there I was schooled and indeed met my old friend Otto.

As the political climate changed and the needs for our services on a more global scale became apparent I moved to the UK in 1976 with my two brothers, and we have continued trading under the same company name since then.

Our current business turnover has grown constantly over the last several years, and I am now in a position where I can afford to dabble in various capital ventures and opportunist investments.

I find your proposed percentile share of 15% quite acceptable, and look forward to doing business with you. Could you give me an illustration of the expected return amount by your calculations so that I can compare it to my own? I can then work on securing the required funds from our company assets, and will be able to complete the necessary paperwork within a few days.

If a meeting on European soil is possible it would certainly be easier that my travelling to Africa! It would certainly be easier for any meeting to be in the UK at the moment, as my diary is quite full.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Hans Vogel

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Dr. Philip Tom


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[I discovered a rather nifty service called YAC which gives you an (07...) mobile number which can also receive faxes. It's free, namely because it charges an extortionate amount to the person calling the number. Any calls can be forwarded to a mobile or landline of your choice. Perfect for my 'special requirements' here...]
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Hello again

You can fax the power of attorney to fax number +44 7092 840971. As this is a special fax line solely for the attention of myself and my brothers, please mark the power of attorney with a swastika and your initials in the top right hand corner. This mark should be used in all future correspondence.

I have a number of profitable portfolios in which I intend to invest these monies. They are managed by some close friends of the family back in Germany, and the funds themselves are kept in Swiss accounts. If you are interested in an account with this Swiss bank I would be more than happy to introduce you to them. Their services are very discreet, and membership is quite exclusive.

Kindest regards to you,

Hans Vogel

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Please I'd like to know specifically what kind of business we are getting into with you. However, I have a netherland Visa, so perhaps we could meet in Amsterdam next week.

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Hello again,

I’l look forward to receiving the documents. Will I have to complete anything or is the form pre-populated? Naturally if I have to do any ‘backdoor research’ to get the form completed I’m quite happy to bend over where necessary.

Do not worry about my company – we are quite solvent and well established. We service a very select clientele and provide a unique product. Naturally our clients are keen to remain out of the public eye, but I can assure you we have had nothing but praise from them.

If you are questioning the Swiss banking arrangement please don’t worry about it. I simply thought you may be interested as we have an arrangement with them, but of course I imagine you already have lots of plans for your share of the money. I know I have! If you change your mind just tell me.

Amsterdam might be possible. Travel out of the country is a bit of a no-no at the moment as I am very busy with some new Argentine clients, but flights to Amsterdam from here are only an hour, and I could probably nip across and back in an afternoon. We can finalise any arrangements nearer the time.

Regards,

Hans

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Dr. Phil

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Tom,

I’m sorry if I’ve given the wrong impression about my intentions in this enterprise. I am naturally interested in the share of the fund that would be mine when the deal is complete, as there is nothing more comforting to a businessman than the knowledge that an asset is secure, but naturally I am also keen to help you invest and grow the collective fund to our mutual benefit. As you will recall I can arrange a secure Swiss banking service for the collective fund or whatever percentage of it you see fit as a ‘base’ from which we can invest elsewhere. The Swiss organisation we bank with have been very good to us since 1945, when my father left sizeable assets in their care. Indeed, these assets have continued to grow in their care and have been the source of my families wealth for decades. If you do not wish to open your own account there I would be happy (upon completion of certain guarantees) to allow you to be added as a named trustee to this account, giving you the freedom to add any further monies and invest accordingly.

Certainly there are other places to keep money safe while ensuring a commanding rate of interest, but I can assure you as a man of no little experience in the financial market that the arrangement we have with them is unequalled.

The number you have already +44 7092 840971 is my personal mobile number, and you can contact me there. If I am with a client do leave a message.

Best wishes,

Hans
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[He's not quite a stupid as he looks, and must have had a look at the domain (vogelvogelvogel.co.uk) that I was mailing from. Of course I was way ahead of him and had built a fake website. It's still there today ]
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Dear Hans,

Dr. Phil

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Tom,

I’m not sure how I am placed for Tuesday, and so will check my work calendar tomorrow when I’m back in the office. If you are flying to Europe would it not be easier for you to come to London than going to Amsterdam? I could meet you at the airport. As I’ve said I may not be able to come out to Amsterdam on Tuesday, but I’ll find out if this is your only possible destination for some reason.

I am not sure I understand the change in the shared pot from 15% to 10% – could you explain why this change has been made? I really require concrete figures before I can commit.

In the meantime, I will look forward to the fax tomorrow.

Hans

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Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

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I have received both faxes, thank you. Do you want me to sign them and fax a copy back to you? I am in meetings for most of today so I will reply to any emails later.

I would also like clarification of the percentage share we will settling on, prior to arranging a meeting. I do not want this to go wrong, and would like assurances from you that this will run smoothly. Most importantly I must not fail the honour of my dead father, Obergruppensfuhrer Ernst Rohm-Vogel. Help me make him proud of me for once, instead of the foolish disappointment I was as a child. You surely understand my motivations?

Regards,

Hans

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Dr Phil,

Upon inspection of the documents I notice you have not marked them with the symbol I asked you to. I must insist that you perform this one courtesy to me, as a mark of trust.

If possible, please fax the documents again with an initialled swastika in the top right corner of each page,

Thank you

Hans

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Dr. Phil

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Consider it done

I’ll have my secretary scan the documents and send it right away

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[Unfortunately I've lost the scanned documents Phil sent me, with the word 'SWASTIKA' scrawled across each and every page in what appeared to be lipstick. What a fucking clown.]
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Dr Phil,

Thank you for taking the time to carry out my request. You didn’t do it quite how I intended, but your action has shown willing and honesty. I will make the necessary amendments to the marks before sending the documents by fax.

It would be much more convenient for me if we meet in London as I work in the city. Thank you for making the effort to change your plans. Am I to meet the diplomat instead of you? Whomever I meet I should like a photograph so that I will be able to recognise you – could you send me a photograph of yourself or the diplomat? We will probably need some way to authenticate the picture too – I will think how we can do this, and also will get a camera to take a picture of myself for you.

I am looking forward to our doing business. Perhaps afterwards we shall sing Deutschland Uber Alles together. Do you know the tune?

Best wishes,

Hans

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Thank you for your photo. Will it be yourself I will meet next week? After all we’ve talked about and the business relationship we’ve built it would be a shame to only meet this diplomat!

I have two questions – the first is that I need to be sure that is you – we have built trust but I want to be careful when the safety of this transaction is at stake. Could you take one with something in it only we would know about? How about my company name? I will do the same when I get my hands on a camera, so please tell me what I should have in my photo to make it unique.

Finally, could you please tell me at your earliest opportunity when you will be in London. I will be very busy next week and while I obviously don’t want to miss the chance to partake in this investment venture, I will need to arrange my calendar around it.

Cheers!

Hans

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Dr. Phil

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I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound unhelpful but I was rather surprised by your last email. We are going to enter into a business venture about which I am very excited, but at the same time I realise that we should both be taking precautions.

I do not drive, but I will scan some identification for you (perhaps a passport) tomorrow when I’m back at the office.

I will have to insist, much as I am willing to send you evidence that I am irrefutably who I say I am, that you will also do the same. I think my request of a unique photograph with a codeword or special object in it was reasonable, but of course if you can suggest something else I will consider it. I wouldn’t make a very good spy with my lack of inventiveness!

Your documents will be returned to you as soon as I have finished reading them, fully completed – this should be first thing tomorrow morning.

Kind regards,

Hans

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Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

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I will be emailing the documents back to you this evening – apologies for the delay but I want to make sure I get the swastikas just right, and there isn’t a scanner here so I’ll have to borrow one from a friend.

We will be meeting on Monday, then? The afternoon would be best for me. I suggest we meet somewhere public, perhaps we could do the deal over a late lunch? I know several restaurants that provide excellent ‘under-the-table facilities’ for gentleman clients. It’s a bit like Bangkok in that respect.

As always, I look forward you your reply.

Hans Vogel

PS I nearly forgot, but I will also scan a photograph of myself so that you will recognise me on Monday. The picture on our corporate website is actually of a model called Peter. I met him while they where doing the photoshoot and he was a very nice, gentle young man with lovely eyes.

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Dr. Phil

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Apologies for my delay in replying. I have not yet obtained the scanner I was promised on Friday, but will have it tonight. Hectic weekend – niece’s wheelchair got stuck in a cattle grid, chaos ensued. It was like Dresden all over again.

Expect my email with the attached documents tonight, then we can arrange to meet and finalise details.

Hans

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Dr. Phil

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I cannot get this scanner to work. I have slid in the cable again and again. It is all the way in and I have made sure it is the right driver. I will ask my friend to give it to me properly tomorrow.

I am very frustrated – I shall contact you tomorrow.

Hans

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Dr. Phil

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At this point I was tiring of Phil and Tom’s nonsense, and decided to up the ante. They wanted to meet in London, I wasn’t anywhere near London, and if I was then I certainly wouldn’t want to meet up. I did however do a quick Google for businesses called ‘Vogel’ in London, and found the following – http://www.nvogelandsons.com. Now this is admittedly a little naughty of me, but I gave them the phone number for N Vogel and Sons, and sent them on their way. Tee hee.
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Please ask the diplomat to call this number – (020) 7242 6971

If you are asked tio identify yourself please tell them you are an agent of the Odessa.

Regards,

Hans

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Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

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Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

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I giggled like a fool when this one appeared in my inbox.
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Dear Mr. Hans,

Dr. Phil

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I have to go to several meetings in the city this afternoon, and will not be able to leave my mobile switched on. Could we perhaps meet this evening, or preferably tomorrow? I apologise for my busy schedule, but as my associates and I are preparing for the Fourth Dammerung I cannot spare a moment during business hours.

All the best,

Hans

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Dr. Phil

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He was engaged when I tried to call him. I shall try Desmond Tambourine again tomorrow.

Hans.

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Please ensure that you get hold of him today

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Hello? The diplomat is not answering his phone – I am getting very worried about this transaction.

Hans

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Dear Sir,

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ENDGAME.
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Dr. Phil

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I had a call from Otto Klemp the other day, and he claims to have never heard of you. Can you explain yourself please?

Hans

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THE END

Graham Linehan (yes that Graham Linehan) will be watching M Night Shyamalan’s ‘The Happening on Friday night. At 9pm on Friday night, to be precise. While simultaneously tearing it a voluminous new posterior void on Twitter with a vast coven of bastards from the internet. It promises to be mildly amusing.

More information here.

The Electric Interfunt has blog stabbed poor, defenceless Res Ipsa Loquitur, the personal weblog of Simon J James. Taking one look at the vast quantities of blood spurting from its severed jugular, Res Ipsa Loquitur desperately tries to scramble away, but The Electric Interfunt gives chase, pinning Res Ipsa Loquitur to the ground and plunging the blade into its soft abdomen again and again and again.

After burying Res Ipsa Loquitur in a shallow grave, The Electric Interfunt lights a cigarette in the darkness and laughs a terrible, hollow laugh.

Res Ipsa Loquitur is dead.

Res Ipsa Loquitur has completed 0.05% of the internet.

Mercifully the one thing I did have left as I hit skid row was my own mailserver, and today I found a snazzy thing called Z-Push which turns your mailserver into a PUSH mailserver. How exciting!

For the benefit of those who’d like to attempt to get this working, here’s a quick guide, courtesy of my words:

What you’ll need:

First of all download the latest version of Z-Push from here. In your shell go to /var/www and extract the tarball to /var/www/z-push. This is important. Don’t put it anywhere else or you will incur the wrath of Ganesh the elephant god.

If you don’t have it already, install PEAR:

apt-get install php-pear

Make sure you have the PEAR Mail plugin:

pear install Mail

And also install PHP5-IMAP:

apt-get install php5-imap

Now edit the config.php file. You’ll have to change the location of PEAR in the first few lines. The standard config.php gives it as:

"/usr/share/pear"

Debian installs it in /usr/bin, so change this to:

"/usr/bin/pear"

Further down in the config.php file you’ll need to change $BACKEND_PROVIDER to point to your IMAP server:

$BACKEND_PROVIDER = “BackendIMAP”;

Assuming your IMAP server is on the same machine, you shouldn’t need to change anything else. Save and exit. While we’re hear, let’s have a little chuckle to ourselves about the term ‘backend provider’.

Now we need to make a small change to your Apache2 configuration files. The Z-Push install notes suggest making this change in httpd.conf, but since I use virtual domains I keep all my Alias settings in apache2.conf. You’ll need to add the following line:

Alias /Microsoft-Server-ActiveSync /var/www/z-push/index.php

Restart Apache2:

/etc/init.d/apache2 force-reload

Everything should now be working. In your web browser go to http://example.com/Microsoft-Server-ActiveSync and you should be asked to sign in. Use valid login details for your IMAP server, and you should be greeted by an error:

GET not supported
This is the z-push location and can only be accessed by Microsoft ActiveSync-capable devices.

This is perfectly normal, and if you don’t see this error you have done something terribly wrong.

Now all you need to do is connect your mobile device to your server using standard IMAP login details and your standard server name. While most devices will have an entry for a domain this is ignored, so leave it blank if you can or type in any old rubbish. It’s worth noting at this point that SSL will only work if your website is configured to use SSL, so if it isn’t you’d best untick that option on your mobile device.

Now, smoke your damn cigar. It is done.

Have fun, and don’t bother me if it doesn’t work.

Update: If you’re using an iPhone and find that all messages are being marked as read, there’s a simple fix here.

Oh dear oh dear. Poor Ray.

 Steve i got sick recently too! I recently got lukemia (Whatever that is) so yeah. I don’t fell to sick right now     

Give it time, my child, give it time.