What is HORTO GRAVANDA? HORTO GRAVANDA is the language of pleasant greetings. While other languages are cluttered by words for all manner of different things, HORTO GRAVANDA is perfect for greeting people in a pleasant fashion as its only word is ‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘, roughly translating as ‘hello‘. While ‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘ would be regarded as two words in any other language, it is made into one by the secret punctuation unique to the language of ‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘. When you say ‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘ to someone, you’re not just saying ‘hello’ (or ‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘) to them, but you’re saying ‘hello’ (‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘) to their mother. This is the beauty of ‘HORTO GRAVANDA‘.
Graham Linehan (yes that Graham Linehan) will be watching M Night Shyamalan’s ‘The Happening on Friday night. At 9pm on Friday night, to be precise. While simultaneously tearing it a voluminous new posterior void on Twitter with a vast coven of bastards from the internet. It promises to be mildly amusing.
Some fantastic level crossing near-misses here, courtesy of Sky News (apologies for the advert beforehand). Gaze in wonder at these most asinine feats of human endeavour! See those brave imbeciles who will risk their lives to get somewhere ever so slightly quicker than if they’d just waited!
Apparently fifteen people lost their lives in the UK last year on level crossings. I’m hopeful that at least one of them was hit so hard that their faces were spread across the front of the train in such a way that it looked like a sickeningly visceral character from Thomas The Tank Engine. Imagine the look on the faces of any children present as it pulled into the next station! “Look Mummy, it’s Clancy the bleeding engine!”
There’s money to be made here. Get me Britt Allcroft’s phone number.
Cobra Beer have a lot to answer for. Whichever vile marketing goons they hired for their current advertising campaign have fashioned a thing of such utter repugnance that spermatozoa actively sterilise themselves in order that future generations aren’t born to witness it.
In each of these vomit-inducing animated vignettes currently airing predominantly on Dave (the BBC’s unofficially sanctioned repeats channel) three blokes exchange what is supposed to be the channel’s trademark witty banter. Unfortunately the level of wit possessed by Cobra’s marketing chimps is significantly less than Wildean, and after scrawling some inane drivel on a napkin in their own shit they bounded off for another tea party prior to prolonged session of horrifying medical experiments.
Worse still, the pedestrian musings of these woeful simian shitklaxons is almost invariably sandwiched between funny, intelligent programmes like QI or Have I Got News For You. The contrast between the whimsical observations, disarming charm and knee-quiveringly smooth voice of Stephen Fry and the grating, screeching idiocy of these adverts is so jarring that I’d be amazed if it hasn’t contributed to at least one death. I expect the long term effects of exposure to this must be comparable in terms of permanent physical injury to gargling cocktail sticks or regularly bathing in Sabatier knives, and so the deaths are sure to come sooner or later.
Do you hear me, Cobra Beer executive types? Deaths! You have the blood of innocents on your hands! You have lured a nation into a bottomless pit of mental deterioration! You pigs! You swine! You diabolical fuckers!
Poor Christian Bale. It’s tough being an actor, you know. It’s tough being rich and pampered and adored and not having to cry yourself to sleep every night or make the cuts in your arms to stop the pain, but then some utter cunt comes along and walks behind you.
Want to hear what Christian Bale has to say when someone on the set of Terminator Salvation walks behind him? Click here for the funny (mp3, 3.5MB, NSFW)
Are you struggling to find the perfect present for that special person in your life? That special person who may or may not know that you were in their back garden last night? Why not give them a unique, personalised gift that will last a lifetime? The gift of a god.
There are quite literally dozens of gods. From the sprightly flute-playing deities of joy and peace to mighty abominations hell-bent on the destruction of the entire universe (including your face), there is a god to suit every taste and for any occasion.
From just £20 you can name a god of your choice from a variety of religions, creating a timeless and quite unique keepsake that can be cherished forever.
Each god comes in its own beautiful hand-crafted gift box featuring your chosen name, a framed pictorial representation of your supreme being and a luxury leather-bound booklet detailing the god’s history and divine powers.
Here are some gods named by our previous clients:
MELMOHR, the god of weather (K.M., Salisbury)
RANU, overlord of public transport (Jenny Smeethes, Aldershot)
LINDSEY THE UNSPEAKABLE (Mr B Strom, Glasgow)
TARBUCK the meat god (celebrity Jade Goody!)
What are you waiting for? Order today. Our staff are poised like ravenous hyenas to take your call.
Please note that while naming a god as a gift or goodwill gesture will almost certainly win you favour with the recipient, it is unlikely to be recognised by any faith of merit and does not imply or infer any legal rights in respect of your chosen god.
About the interfunt
The electric interfunt is the bellowed ranting of a known internet reprobate who really should know better. The materials collated within the interfunt are clearly the deranged bawlings of a madman from whom we would like to remain physically distant and legally distinct.
