Archive for January, 2010

Set phasers to S.T.U.N.

Published by rodti on 12 Jan 10 in Gay old japes. 2 Comments

Don’t worry, I don’t really have any phasers. Phasers are a made up ray gun thing from Star Trek. It’s all part of a hilarious pun you see, in as much as you can make a pun out of something by simply adding some punctuation. Oh it’s all falling apart isn’t it?

I’VE DONE IT ALL WRONG.

This whole pun fiasco was supposed to serve as a devastatingly witty introduction (where necessary) to S.T.U.N. Runner, a fantastic 1989 arcade game by Atari. For reasons still not entirely clear to myself you, the protagonist, had to hurtle down a series of tubular 3D chasms at breakneck speed in some sort of futuristic bobsled. It’s an experience probably not unlike doing the Cresta Run having been spiked with a near fatal dose of weapons-grade hallucinogens, or being shrunk to the size of an ant and flushed down the toilet into a sewer system made entirely of brightly coloured geometric shapes. In a little ant toboggan, of course. I have vivid memories of jaunts to the arcades by the seaside with my good pal Flaps as a child, straddling the brightly coloured S.T.U.N. Runner machine and pumping a startling quantity of freshly-minted 20p pieces into it. Happy days.

It was while playing my fashionable iPhone the other day that I happened to reminisce on those halcyon days of my gaming youth, when suddenly a thought rammed itself right up my brainpipes:

“Why hasn’t S.T.U.N. Runner been ported to the iPhone?”

It makes as near to perfect sense as you’re likely to get from me. The iPhone (or iPod Touch, for the paupers among us) has more than enough magical computer powaz to churn out a game from 20 years ago, and the motion sensors in the iPhone could be used to replicate the movement of the yoke-style controls from the arcade machine. Why, it’s almost too easy. All we need now are the following things (in no particular order):

  • Licensing rights to S.T.U.N. Runner
  • An iPhone games developer
  • A metric fuckton of investment capital

    • You see? This should be a piece of piss. If that bearded West Country oaftrumpet Justin Lee Collins can just about but not quite get the original cast of Grange Hill together, then I can surely get an elderly computer game ported to the iPhone. Think of it as a sort of challenge which I’ll almost undoubtedly fail and then pretend never happened in the first place.

    The first step is to get in touch with the original Atari team who produced S.T.U.N. Runner…

    HENERGY

    Published by rodti on 9 Jan 10 in Badverts. 4 Comments

    As something of a ‘fuck you‘ to the British Egg Information Service who, as keener readers will recall, have still not answered my query, I’ve taken it upon myself to infiltrate the British egg industry via other means.

    Here is the first item in a vast portfolio of advertising material which I’ll send to the British Egg Marketing Board who will immediately hire me, making me their EGG CZAR responsible for every aspect of egg promotion in the British Isles. I’ll then shut down the British Egg Information Service, cackling and wanking as I do so.

    Continued cobblers

    Published by rodti on 8 Jan 10 in Flappenings. 0 Comments

    On Fri, 08 Jan 10 16:23:52, customerreplies@Clarks.com wrote:

    Thank you very much for your email. I’m sorry to hear what happened to you
    and your Clarks shoes.

    Please return your shoes to the shop, along with your receipt, so the manager can look into the problem, I can see from your email that this is what you were going to do and I hope the issue has been sorted out.

    They went IN THE BIN with ALL THE OTHER RUBBISH.

    Thank you for making us aware of this issue. I’m sorry we haven’t met your expectations on this occasion, but I do hope you and your family will continue to buy Clarks shoes and that we’ll be able to restore your faith in us.

    Thanks, but no. I’d rather spend a month as the carnal plaything of a pack of vicious baboons than squeeze my foot into another of your abortive leather trusses.

    Kind regards,

    Rodti MacLeary

    An irate note to C&J Clark (Cobbler)

    Published by rodti on 4 Jan 10 in Flappenings. 5 Comments

    “RUBBISH!” I cried as my second pair of Clarks shoes to fail catastrophically on me in a month flopped uselessly around my feet this very morning. First the very suggestion of snow caused my fashionable ‘Rom Lee’ to split across the sole in December, and today the heel of a pair of natty Oxfords I had purchased from Cyrus and James Clark (Footwear) has removed itself from the base in an embarrassing and impractical fashion.

    I shall endeavour to visit your Edinburgh presence at luncheon today and cause some sort of a scene, after which I shall purchase new shoes from an ALTERNATIVE HIGH-STREET COBBLER.

    Yours angrily,

    Mr Rodti MacLeary (barefoot)

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