the electric interfunt

Set phasers to S.T.U.N.

rodti — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 14:07:24 +0000

Don’t worry, I don’t really have any phasers. Phasers are a made up ray gun thing from Star Trek. It’s all part of a hilarious pun you see, in as much as you can make a pun out of something by simply adding some punctuation. Oh it’s all falling apart isn’t it?

I’VE DONE IT ALL WRONG.

This whole pun fiasco was supposed to serve as a devastatingly witty introduction (where necessary) to S.T.U.N. Runner, a fantastic 1989 arcade game by Atari. For reasons still not entirely clear to myself you, the protagonist, had to hurtle down a series of tubular 3D chasms at breakneck speed in some sort of futuristic bobsled. It’s an experience probably not unlike doing the Cresta Run having been spiked with a near fatal dose of weapons-grade hallucinogens, or being shrunk to the size of an ant and flushed down the toilet into a sewer system made entirely of brightly coloured geometric shapes. In a little ant toboggan, of course. I have vivid memories of jaunts to the arcades by the seaside with my good pal Flaps as a child, straddling the brightly coloured S.T.U.N. Runner machine and pumping a startling quantity of freshly-minted 20p pieces into it. Happy days.

It was while playing my fashionable iPhone the other day that I happened to reminisce on those halcyon days of my gaming youth, when suddenly a thought rammed itself right up my brainpipes:

“Why hasn’t S.T.U.N. Runner been ported to the iPhone?”

It makes as near to perfect sense as you’re likely to get from me. The iPhone (or iPod Touch, for the paupers among us) has more than enough magical computer powaz to churn out a game from 20 years ago, and the motion sensors in the iPhone could be used to replicate the movement of the yoke-style controls from the arcade machine. Why, it’s almost too easy. All we need now are the following things (in no particular order):

Licensing rights to S.T.U.N. Runner

An iPhone games developer

A metric fuckton of investment capital

You see? This should be a piece of piss. If that bearded West Country oaftrumpet Justin Lee Collins can just about but not quite get the original cast of Grange Hill together, then I can surely get an elderly computer game ported to the iPhone. Think of it as a sort of challenge which I’ll almost undoubtedly fail and then pretend never happened in the first place.

The first step is to get in touch with the original Atari team who produced S.T.U.N. Runner…

HENERGY

rodti — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 17:35:41 +0000

As something of a ‘fuck you‘ to the British Egg Information Service who, as keener readers will recall, have still not answered my query, I’ve taken it upon myself to infiltrate the British egg industry via other means.

Here is the first item in a vast portfolio of advertising material which I’ll send to the British Egg Marketing Board who will immediately hire me, making me their EGG CZAR responsible for every aspect of egg promotion in the British Isles. I’ll then shut down the British Egg Information Service, cackling and wanking as I do so.

Continued cobblers

rodti — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:40:06 +0000

On Fri, 08 Jan 10 16:23:52, customerreplies@Clarks.com wrote:

Thank you very much for your email. I’m sorry to hear what happened to you
and your Clarks shoes.

Please return your shoes to the shop, along with your receipt, so the manager can look into the problem, I can see from your email that this is what you were going to do and I hope the issue has been sorted out.

They went IN THE BIN with ALL THE OTHER RUBBISH.

Thank you for making us aware of this issue. I’m sorry we haven’t met your expectations on this occasion, but I do hope you and your family will continue to buy Clarks shoes and that we’ll be able to restore your faith in us.

Thanks, but no. I’d rather spend a month as the carnal plaything of a pack of vicious baboons than squeeze my foot into another of your abortive leather trusses.

Kind regards,

Rodti MacLeary

An irate note to C&J Clark (Cobbler)

rodti — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 11:57:56 +0000

“RUBBISH!” I cried as my second pair of Clarks shoes to fail catastrophically on me in a month flopped uselessly around my feet this very morning. First the very suggestion of snow caused my fashionable ‘Rom Lee’ to split across the sole in December, and today the heel of a pair of natty Oxfords I had purchased from Cyrus and James Clark (Footwear) has removed itself from the base in an embarrassing and impractical fashion.

I shall endeavour to visit your Edinburgh presence at luncheon today and cause some sort of a scene, after which I shall purchase new shoes from an ALTERNATIVE HIGH-STREET COBBLER.

Yours angrily,

Mr Rodti MacLeary (barefoot)

Guitar Heron

rodti — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 14:22:22 +0000

LEGENDS OF SQUAWK

I spent longer on this than I’d care to admit.

What if?

rodti — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 22:51:39 +0000

This is Anita.

She lives in a slum in Bangalore.
This is her life.
It’s a tough life for an 8 year old.

But here’s a thought:

What if she didn’t have to spend all day doing chores?
What if she didn’t have to walk so far to fetch water?
What if she didn’t have to look after her baby brother?
What if she had enough to eat every day?
What if she had a sponsor like you?

Well that would be amazing.

For just 50p a child like Anita can buy the fishnet stockings she needs to forge a career in prostitution.

Anita’s life won’t be any different tomorrow unless someone like you steps forward today and gets her on the game.

Go on. SPONSOR NOW.

Bawling corporate idiocy

rodti — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:26:44 +0000

Everyone hates corporate buzzwords and boardroom slang. Everyone. Even newborn infants, yet to glimpse the world for the first time or hear anything other than the beating of their mother’s heart are filled with a primal, instinctive dread at the very thought of modern business phrasiology. It is an unspeakable horror, more twisted and vile than anything described in the pages of H.P. Lovecraft’s ‘Cthulhu’ mythos.

By far the worst however, by several orders of ghastly magnitude, is the term “singing from the same hymn sheet“. Derived from the slightly less foul but equally forbidden “reading from the same page”, this sickening utterance not only fills the meeting rooms of the English speaking world like a deafening, crackling static, but by introducing hymn sheets to the fray drags Christianity into the fucking equation. Bloody Christianity.

While contemplating this term and the various methods I would employ to dismember any soul foolish enough to use it in my presence, it occurred to me that it would offend me far less if there were a variety of multi-faith equivalents that could be used by, for example, our Islamic chums or those nice Buddhists.

Some examples:

Bellowing from the same minaret

Praying in the direction of the same Mecca

Wearing the same turban

Carefully moving the same earthworm out of our path so we don’t stand on it

Sacrificing at the same altar

Fasting for the same Ramadan

Hallucinating with the same shaman

Taking a pilgrimage to the same Hajj, circling the same Ka’bah seven times, kissing the same Black Stone, running back and forth between the same hills of Al-Safa and Al-Marwah, drinking from the same Zamzam Well, standing in vigil at the same Mount Ararat and throwing stones in the same Devil-stoning ritual.

Take note, international people of business. Take note, or I will punch your stupid heads off.

Operation Vogel

rodti — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:54:57 +0000

One from the archives here, but since I’ve been neglecting you all a little I thought I’d spoil you rotten by dousing you in this hot spray of sticky liquid fun. The following is an exchange betwixt myself and one scamming Nigerian bastard. I’m afraid I have since lost the images that accompanied the story, but will attempt to convey their content using words.

From: philtom [mailto:philtom@ummah.org] Sent: Sun 29/08/2004 03:46 To: rodti macleary Subject: BUSINESS MANAGEMENT & CONCEPT.



OMISORE GEORGE CHAMBERS.

{Legal Practitioners & Corporate Consultants}

Owa Oyibu, George Wilson, Philip Tom, Rudy Douglas

12c Glover Blvd, Johannesburg,

South Africa.

Tel: +27-728832823

philtom@ummah.org 
Dear Sir, 
REQUIRED: PROXY BUSINESS REPRESENTATIVE. 
We would like to develop business relations with you by establishing a trust agreement whereby you shall hold, manage invest and distribute all assets received from us in trust and the proceeds there from, under the terms of the trust agreement.
I am an attorney & consultant to an influential politician, currently a federal minister in the Federal Republic of South Africa who has been able to use his diplomatic status to move the sum of US$18 million overseas  (name of country with held until you are ready to do business) and presently deposited in a private security company for safe keeping.  These boxes of money were air freighted as artifacts and photographic materials.
My client, because of his present status in government cannot be physically involved in the management of the money; hence this is going by way of proxy and fiduciary agent in order to avoid any probe by the present democratic government of South Africa. I am requesting your assistance as my colleague and learned friend to help secure investment outlets whereby this fund are invested in government treasury bills and bonds and in secure first mortgages supported by your countries real estate and other attractive investment programs available. You should be aware that you and your associate would manage the complete process & escort our fiduciary agent through the various procedures.
If the above is workable for you & your associate, I would be glad to forward our standard discretionary asset management agreement for you to look and make any necessary amendment. If any, this agreement we hope will help to assure the safety of the funds and consolidate the relationship. Prior to handing over the funds to you & your associates, we hope to arrange for a preliminary meeting with you on a neutral ground where the original of the agreement will be signed by you & our fiduciary agent/ me.
To ensure the success of this transaction and guarantee this unique relationship, kindly treat this transaction with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. Send your private telephone and fax numbers to enable us talk on one on one basis. I await your urgent response. Please, contact me only on my private e-mail address: philtom@ummah.org, or telephone numbers respectively for security reasons.
Best regards.

RICHARD TREVOR ESQ. Principal Partner
—————————————-

From: Hans Vogel [hans@vogelvogelvogel.co.uk]
Sent: Sun 29/08/2004 03:46
To: philtom [mailto:philtom@ummah.org]
Subject: BUSINESS MANAGEMENT & CONCEPT.
Mr Trevor,

Thank you for your email. I am assuming from your location that you received my details from Otto Klemp in Port Elizabeth? I have not seen him for several years but understand he is still working with the development agencies in SA.

I am interested in your proposition but must say I do not fully understand what is expected of me. If you could furnish me with the initial steps required to partake in this investment I would be most grateful.

Regards,

Hans Vogel

—————————————-


Attn: Hans Vogel
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for the mail and more importantly your contribution towards having a successful investment plan with you. You were absolutely correct about Otto Klemp in Port Elizabeth. He has recommended you highly for this project and we trust that you will not let us down.
Furtherance to our conversation and in response to our proposal in which you indicated your positive disposition towards assisting us, I hereby convey the approvals to work with you and to continue discussions with you. My client was indeed overwhelmed with joy when I informed her of our

discussions. I'd like to specially thank you for offering to assist us actualize this transaction.
However, I will like to take you through the entire steps of this programme. The fund is right now deposited with a Security & Trust Company in South Africa and will be moved prior to your acceptance to receive it on our behalf. We intend to invest the entire fund in your country under your care and management.
Well, I was born on the 20th March, 1950. I was born & bred in South Africa. I studied banking & finance. I have since resigned from the banking sector out of which I excelled very well. I have a Tom Masinga consultancy outfit that is prominent and recognized in South Africa and Africa generally. I'm versely traveled because our clients spans from all over the world.
It is based on my credentials and resumes that my client asked me to develop business relations with you by establishing a trust agreement whereby you shall hold, manage invest and distribute all assets received from us in trust and the proceeds there from, under the terms of the trust agreement. Her interest is in companies with potentials for Rapid growth in long terms, and more importantly, expert with vested interest in real estates and property business.
As soon as we reach a compromise I'd instruct my team of lawyers to draft out a simple power of attorney and the discretionary asset management agreement. I shall fax same to you for endorsement. We shall then arrange a meeting. Can you come to Europe? Prior to handing over the funds to you &

your associates, we hope to arrange for a preliminary meeting with you on a neutral ground where the original of the agreement will be signed by you & our fiduciary agent/ me. If the above is workable for you & your associate, I would be glad to forward our standard discretionary asset management agreement for you to look and make any necessary amendment. If any, this agreement we hope will help to assure the safety of the funds and consolidate the relationship.
In the interim, our fiduciary managers are on standby waiting to take instructions from us for the handover. We would expect a swift and prompt response to facilitate faster completion.
Could you tell me a little bit about yourself? If I’m entrusting so much money into your hands I feel it will be logical to get to know you much better. In this circumstance we are quite desirous, willing and prepared to work with you if you would give us your full and maximum co-operation. For a business of this size we would offer you a total of 15%. We hope you find this convenient.
Please I would like to emphasize the issue of trust and confidentiality which is the hallmark of a business of this magnitude. I do have confidence in your ability to handle this hence my contacting you in the first place.
While we thank you in anticipation of your co-operation, we shall be glad to have a fruitful and rewarding relationship with you and your organization. For further directives please call me on +27-728832823.
Regards,
Yours truly,

DR. TOM PHILIP
—————————————-

Dr Philip,

Thank you for your quick reply. You are quite right that I should introduce myself fully to a potential business partner, so please allow me to do so now.

My name is Hans Vogel, joint company director of Vogel, Vogel and Vogel, a family company established over 80 years ago. My grandfather started the company as a small business in Berlin, Germany, but in the events leading up to and during the Second World War his business blossomed as the controlling government at the time had great demand for his ’specialist’ services.

In 1945 my family left Berlin fearing for our safety as the city fell into Allied hands. It was from there that we fled to Durban in South Africa, myself just a small child at the time, but it was there I was schooled and indeed met my old friend Otto.

As the political climate changed and the needs for our services on a more global scale became apparent I moved to the UK in 1976 with my two brothers, and we have continued trading under the same company name since then.

Our current business turnover has grown constantly over the last several years, and I am now in a position where I can afford to dabble in various capital ventures and opportunist investments.

I find your proposed percentile share of 15% quite acceptable, and look forward to doing business with you. Could you give me an illustration of the expected return amount by your calculations so that I can compare it to my own? I can then work on securing the required funds from our company assets, and will be able to complete the necessary paperwork within a few days.

If a meeting on European soil is possible it would certainly be easier that my travelling to Africa! It would certainly be easier for any meeting to be in the UK at the moment, as my diary is quite full.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,

Hans Vogel

—————————————-


Attn: Hans Vogel
Dear Sir,
I'd like to thank you for your swift response one more time.
Having accepted our offer I have issued out instructions to my team of lawyers to drafdt out the power of attorney and the discretionary asset management agreement for you to study, endorse and return same back to us for commencement of action.
However, we are interested in working with you in as much as the business you would dabble into has high profit margin and swift turnover. Initially what we thought we wanted to do was venture into real estates, stocks, shares and high yield banking programmes. But since you have a wealth of

knowledge in investment it will do a whole lot of good if you take possession of the funds and invest same under your care and management.
However, I'd like to have your telephone numbers for enhanced communications. In the interim, I shall later today fax to you a copy of my international passport. I'd be honoured if you could do same. Please make your fax numbers available.
I await your response whilst I look forward to a fruitful relationship with

you.
Regards,

Dr. Philip Tom

—————————————-
[I discovered a rather nifty service called YAC which gives you an (07...) mobile number which can also receive faxes. It's free, namely because it charges an extortionate amount to the person calling the number. Any calls can be forwarded to a mobile or landline of your choice. Perfect for my 'special requirements' here...]
—————————————-

Hello again

You can fax the power of attorney to fax number +44 7092 840971. As this is a special fax line solely for the attention of myself and my brothers, please mark the power of attorney with a swastika and your initials in the top right hand corner. This mark should be used in all future correspondence.

I have a number of profitable portfolios in which I intend to invest these monies. They are managed by some close friends of the family back in Germany, and the funds themselves are kept in Swiss accounts. If you are interested in an account with this Swiss bank I would be more than happy to introduce you to them. Their services are very discreet, and membership is quite exclusive.

Kindest regards to you,

Hans Vogel

—————————————-


Dear Mr. Hans,
I have instructed my lawyers to draft out the documents and I'd have it faxed to you tomorrow.

Please I'd like to know specifically what kind of business we are getting into with you. However, I have a netherland Visa, so perhaps we could meet in Amsterdam next week.
—————————————-

Hello again,

I’l look forward to receiving the documents. Will I have to complete anything or is the form pre-populated? Naturally if I have to do any ‘backdoor research’ to get the form completed I’m quite happy to bend over where necessary.

Do not worry about my company – we are quite solvent and well established. We service a very select clientele and provide a unique product. Naturally our clients are keen to remain out of the public eye, but I can assure you we have had nothing but praise from them.

If you are questioning the Swiss banking arrangement please don’t worry about it. I simply thought you may be interested as we have an arrangement with them, but of course I imagine you already have lots of plans for your share of the money. I know I have! If you change your mind just tell me.

Amsterdam might be possible. Travel out of the country is a bit of a no-no at the moment as I am very busy with some new Argentine clients, but flights to Amsterdam from here are only an hour, and I could probably nip across and back in an afternoon. We can finalise any arrangements nearer the time.

Regards,

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Hans,
The arrangement sounds good to me.
However, I'd like to re-emphasize that we are interested in an associate whose wealth of knowledge in investment is overwhelming.
One more time, what kind of business do you wish to venture into on our behalf or you are just interested in obtaining your share of our fund. If the last is the case then we might not be able to work with you since we are not into money launderying.
Please let me know your stand. Let me have your telephone numbers for enhanced communications.
I await your response.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

Tom,

I’m sorry if I’ve given the wrong impression about my intentions in this enterprise. I am naturally interested in the share of the fund that would be mine when the deal is complete, as there is nothing more comforting to a businessman than the knowledge that an asset is secure, but naturally I am also keen to help you invest and grow the collective fund to our mutual benefit. As you will recall I can arrange a secure Swiss banking service for the collective fund or whatever percentage of it you see fit as a ‘base’ from which we can invest elsewhere. The Swiss organisation we bank with have been very good to us since 1945, when my father left sizeable assets in their care. Indeed, these assets have continued to grow in their care and have been the source of my families wealth for decades. If you do not wish to open your own account there I would be happy (upon completion of certain guarantees) to allow you to be added as a named trustee to this account, giving you the freedom to add any further monies and invest accordingly.

Certainly there are other places to keep money safe while ensuring a commanding rate of interest, but I can assure you as a man of no little experience in the financial market that the arrangement we have with them is unequalled.

The number you have already +44 7092 840971 is my personal mobile number, and you can contact me there. If I am with a client do leave a message.

Best wishes,

Hans
—————————————-
[He's not quite a stupid as he looks, and must have had a look at the domain (vogelvogelvogel.co.uk) that I was mailing from. Of course I was way ahead of him and had built a fake website. It's still there today ]
—————————————-
Dear Hans,


I visited your website. I was quite intrigued by your write-up.
However, I shall have the documents delvered tomorrow.
I have concluded arrangements with Diplomats on the delivery of the fund in Amsterdam. Once we meet in Amsterdam next week you shall also take possession of the fund. And based on your new condition I and my client have mutually agreed that we offer to you 10%. Hope you find this ofer fair

enough.
Tuesday will be ideal for the Amsterdam trip. So please make arrangementsand keep me posted.
I await your response.

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

Tom,

I’m not sure how I am placed for Tuesday, and so will check my work calendar tomorrow when I’m back in the office. If you are flying to Europe would it not be easier for you to come to London than going to Amsterdam? I could meet you at the airport. As I’ve said I may not be able to come out to Amsterdam on Tuesday, but I’ll find out if this is your only possible destination for some reason.

I am not sure I understand the change in the shared pot from 15% to 10% – could you explain why this change has been made? I really require concrete figures before I can commit.

In the meantime, I will look forward to the fax tomorrow.

Hans

—————————————-
Dear Mr. Hans,


Please confirm receipt of the faxes sent to your mail box.
I await your response.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

I have received both faxes, thank you. Do you want me to sign them and fax a copy back to you? I am in meetings for most of today so I will reply to any emails later.

I would also like clarification of the percentage share we will settling on, prior to arranging a meeting. I do not want this to go wrong, and would like assurances from you that this will run smoothly. Most importantly I must not fail the honour of my dead father, Obergruppensfuhrer Ernst Rohm-Vogel. Help me make him proud of me for once, instead of the foolish disappointment I was as a child. You surely understand my motivations?

Regards,

Hans

—————————————-

Dr Phil,

Upon inspection of the documents I notice you have not marked them with the symbol I asked you to. I must insist that you perform this one courtesy to me, as a mark of trust.

If possible, please fax the documents again with an initialled swastika in the top right corner of each page,

Thank you

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Mr. Hans,
Thanks for acknowledging receipt of the faxes. i tried to call you though but there was no response.
I'm indeed glad that the agreement sooths you. I have concluded arrangements that will be arriving in London with the funds. But first I'd like to know what part of Uk you are situated in. He is going to meet you one on one before the hand over will be done.
The reason for the 10% is because you said you cannot handle the areas of investment for us. Once you take possession we would like you to activate an account with a bank then we shall take possession from there. Does that sound good to you or do you want to come up with something different?
From all indications the Diplomat might leave on Friday morning to have full preliminary discussions with you and proper handover. I shall keep you posted as to his itineary.
I hope you do not let us down.
I await copies of the endorsed agreements. Fax same to my mail or +27-115075168.
regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

Consider it done

I’ll have my secretary scan the documents and send it right away

—————————————-
[Unfortunately I've lost the scanned documents Phil sent me, with the word 'SWASTIKA' scrawled across each and every page in what appeared to be lipstick. What a fucking clown.]
—————————————-

Dr Phil,

Thank you for taking the time to carry out my request. You didn’t do it quite how I intended, but your action has shown willing and honesty. I will make the necessary amendments to the marks before sending the documents by fax.

It would be much more convenient for me if we meet in London as I work in the city. Thank you for making the effort to change your plans. Am I to meet the diplomat instead of you? Whomever I meet I should like a photograph so that I will be able to recognise you – could you send me a photograph of yourself or the diplomat? We will probably need some way to authenticate the picture too – I will think how we can do this, and also will get a camera to take a picture of myself for you.

I am looking forward to our doing business. Perhaps afterwards we shall sing Deutschland Uber Alles together. Do you know the tune?

Best wishes,

Hans

—————————————-

Thank you for your photo. Will it be yourself I will meet next week? After all we’ve talked about and the business relationship we’ve built it would be a shame to only meet this diplomat!

I have two questions – the first is that I need to be sure that is you – we have built trust but I want to be careful when the safety of this transaction is at stake. Could you take one with something in it only we would know about? How about my company name? I will do the same when I get my hands on a camera, so please tell me what I should have in my photo to make it unique.

Finally, could you please tell me at your earliest opportunity when you will be in London. I will be very busy next week and while I obviously don’t want to miss the chance to partake in this investment venture, I will need to arrange my calendar around it.

Cheers!

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Mr. Hans,
I believe strongly that I saw your pic online when i visted your website. What I'll require you to do is to send to me a scanned copy of your driver's license for reasons of identification.
I do not need to send to you any further identification if you are not willing to co-operate with me. The fact that I have handed-over this transaction to a Diplomatic firm is enough proof that we mean business. I hope to be in London on the 15th Sept. The Diplomat is going to be taking care of business on my behalf.
If I do not receive the endorsed documents today the business is cancelled. And more importantly, a copy of your driver's license.
Talk to you later.

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound unhelpful but I was rather surprised by your last email. We are going to enter into a business venture about which I am very excited, but at the same time I realise that we should both be taking precautions.

I do not drive, but I will scan some identification for you (perhaps a passport) tomorrow when I’m back at the office.

I will have to insist, much as I am willing to send you evidence that I am irrefutably who I say I am, that you will also do the same. I think my request of a unique photograph with a codeword or special object in it was reasonable, but of course if you can suggest something else I will consider it. I wouldn’t make a very good spy with my lack of inventiveness!

Your documents will be returned to you as soon as I have finished reading them, fully completed – this should be first thing tomorrow morning.

Kind regards,

Hans

—————————————-

Dear Mr. Hans,


I'd like to thank you for your mail again.
Well I look forward to receiving the documents today to enable us forge ahead at once. In the interim, the Diplomat will be leaving on Sunday and will arrive in London in the afternoon. You must provide a convenient phone with which the gentleman can reach you. I also will need an address as he is willing to come and see you as instructed.
He i going to call you on Monday morning. But however, I must receive the documents for us to proceeed. Since the Diplomat will be meeting with you I do not want to subscribe to any other form of identification other that your international passport.
I look forward to receiving the documents alongside your international passport.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

I will be emailing the documents back to you this evening – apologies for the delay but I want to make sure I get the swastikas just right, and there isn’t a scanner here so I’ll have to borrow one from a friend.

We will be meeting on Monday, then? The afternoon would be best for me. I suggest we meet somewhere public, perhaps we could do the deal over a late lunch? I know several restaurants that provide excellent ‘under-the-table facilities’ for gentleman clients. It’s a bit like Bangkok in that respect.

As always, I look forward you your reply.

Hans Vogel

PS I nearly forgot, but I will also scan a photograph of myself so that you will recognise me on Monday. The picture on our corporate website is actually of a model called Peter. I met him while they where doing the photoshoot and he was a very nice, gentle young man with lovely eyes.

—————————————-


Dear Mr. Hans,
I've had a busy day today concluding all arrangements for effective execution.
You have yourself a date once I receive all the documents.
I look forward to receiving yet the telephone number with which you can be contacted on Monday.
Have a great weekend ahead.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

Apologies for my delay in replying. I have not yet obtained the scanner I was promised on Friday, but will have it tonight. Hectic weekend – niece’s wheelchair got stuck in a cattle grid, chaos ensued. It was like Dresden all over again.

Expect my email with the attached documents tonight, then we can arrange to meet and finalise details.

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Hans,
The Diplomat arrived into London On Sunday.
He has been trying to contact you. Could you please reconfirm the number with which you can be reached at once.
Get back ASAP.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

I cannot get this scanner to work. I have slid in the cable again and again. It is all the way in and I have made sure it is the right driver. I will ask my friend to give it to me properly tomorrow.

I am very frustrated – I shall contact you tomorrow.

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Hans,
I need to call you right away. Give me a number please. The Diplomat is in London and feeling frustrated because he cannot reach you.
I await your response.

Dr. Phil
—————————————-
At this point I was tiring of Phil and Tom’s nonsense, and decided to up the ante. They wanted to meet in London, I wasn’t anywhere near London, and if I was then I certainly wouldn’t want to meet up. I did however do a quick Google for businesses called ‘Vogel’ in London, and found the following – http://www.nvogelandsons.com. Now this is admittedly a little naughty of me, but I gave them the phone number for N Vogel and Sons, and sent them on their way. Tee hee.
—————————————-

Please ask the diplomat to call this number – (020) 7242 6971

If you are asked tio identify yourself please tell them you are an agent of the Odessa.

Regards,

Hans

—————————————-
Dear Mr. Hans,


I'll have him call you right away

Dr. Phil
—————————————-
Dear Mr. Hans,


Have you arranged a meeting with the Diplomat?

Dr. Phil
—————————————-
I giggled like a fool when this one appeared in my inbox.
—————————————-
Dear Mr. Hans,


tried to call you earlier but learnt that you will not be in the office until another one hour.
Anyway, I wanted to confirm your appointment with the Diplomat for today. Please send me a mail as soon as you hit the office.
Talk to you later.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

I have to go to several meetings in the city this afternoon, and will not be able to leave my mobile switched on. Could we perhaps meet this evening, or preferably tomorrow? I apologise for my busy schedule, but as my associates and I are preparing for the Fourth Dammerung I cannot spare a moment during business hours.

All the best,

Hans

—————————————-


Dear Mr. Hans,
I appreciate your busy schedule.
Please call Desmond Tambora the Diplomat on 07821551974. He is anxiously waiting to meet you and conclude this transaction without any further delay.
Ensure that you make your cell number available for easier communications.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

He was engaged when I tried to call him. I shall try Desmond Tambourine again tomorrow.

Hans.

—————————————-


Dear Hans,
Thanks for yout mail.
i'm indeed disappointed that uptil now you have not spoken with the Diplomat.

Please ensure that you get hold of him today
—————————————-

Hello? The diplomat is not answering his phone – I am getting very worried about this transaction.

Hans

—————————————-

Dear Sir,


I was able to speak with the Diplomat on that phone yesterday.
he is woried because the reason he came to London has not been achieved.
Pls try again or better still tell me when you will be in the office so I

can have him contact you immediately.
Regards,
Dr. Phil

—————————————-
ENDGAME.
—————————————-


Dear Hans,
What have you resolved with the Diplomat?
I need to know ASAP to enable me take a decision. HE said he had called you and you were asking a lot of questions that you should have asked when you meet with him one on one.
I await your response.
Regards,

Dr. Phil
—————————————-

I had a call from Otto Klemp the other day, and he claims to have never heard of you. Can you explain yourself please?

Hans

—————————————-

THE END

SEVENTY TWO

rodti — Fri, 29 May 2009 16:12:05 +0000

If I were to run into a crowded public place right now – covered from head to toe in the most powerful plastic explosives available – and detonate myself to the detriment of numerous innocent bystanders, Allah would give me seventy two beautiful, yielding virgins to do with as I wished. SEVENTY TWO. Why, I expect I’d be saddlesore after the first dozen. As it is I’m stuck with one virgin, Virgin Bastard Media, and I might as well be dead for all they care. As part of my ongoing catalogue of complaints against Virgin Media grows I thought I’d share my latest letter to them with you, as you’re all so jolly lovely.

Enjoy!

HELLO THERE.
Despite experiencing numerous 'issues' from the very moment I entered into a business relationship with Virgin Media I have tried to maintain stoic and composed at all times. There does however come a point where the time for peaceful, amicable negotiation ends and I turn into a bawling, demented madman, screaming at the heavens for all I'm worth while shaking my fists in the air. That time is now. I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE HOUSE PLEASE. I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE HOUSE FROM 142 GLAROBATRA STREET, EDINBURGH TO 11 FRONDLECRUBE CRESCENT, EDINBURGH. FOR SOME REASON CURRENTLY BEYOND MY KEN I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS ACCURSED VIRGIN MEDIA TELLYBOX WITH ME. I WOULD LIKE YOU TO FIX YOUR WEBSITE SO THAT I CAN REQUEST THIS HOUSE MOVE. THE WEBSITE THAT HAS SEEMINGLY SWALLOWED MY REQUEST EACH AND EVERY TIME BEFORE VENTING IT OUT OF WHATEVER STRANGE ELECTRICAL BOWELS IT HAS ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF THE INTERNET. I WOULD NOT LIKE TO BE TOLD BY THE CALL CENTRE OPERATIVE IN YOUR 'HOUSE MOVE' DEPARTMENT THAT MY ACCOUNT, PREVIOUSLY IN CREDIT BY LOTS OF MONEY BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN INCOMPETENCE, HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR NON-PAYMENT. THIS IS NOT RIGHT. THIS IS WRONG. THIS IS WRONG IN THE SAME WAY THAT HITLER WAS WRONG. I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT EACH LETTER TYPED HERE IN CAPITAL LETTERS IS ACCOMPANIED BY ACTUAL VOCAL WAILING, GNASHING OF TEETH AND REAL TEARS COMING FROM MY FACE AND COMPONENTS THEREOF. Please either ARRANGE MY HOUSE MOVE or pick up your stupid crash-prone tellybox at your earliest convenience, lest I frogmarch to your offices (presumably still in The Gyle, Edinburgh) and let you hear the aforementioned anguished cries for yourself. Kind regards, R MacLeary (now of 11 Frondlecrube Crescent)

Quiet? Me?

rodti — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 13:48:41 +0000

Well yes I suppose I have been rather quiet of late, but I’ve been busy in my internets laboratory sticking bits of dead rabbits onto potatoes like some sort of sickening Mr Potato (Rabbit) Head thing. I suppose it’s all a bit of a secret, but it’s a scary secret and it’ll be rammed up your well-oiled internet pipes before you have the chance to politely decline.

Adopt the position.