I have lots of ideas. Lots of them. Sometimes these ideas are good ideas, but more often than not they’re terrible ideas. Most of these ideas are of the variety that most people would keep to themselves for fear of being branded a sickening fiend and consequently excommunicated from society as a whole.
I write down all of these ideas.
Recently my list of ideas has got a little overlong, and realising that I’m never going to do anything with any of them I thought I’d do a little spring cleaning, get them out in the open, and ultimately out of my notebook.
Here goes.
Phlegmange
It’s a pudding made of phlegm. There’s not really any more to it than that. I’m not sure exactly how the phlegm would be set into the shape of a pudding, nor where such large quantities of phlegm could be sourced, but I like the sound of it enough to write it down for posterity. I briefly contemplated rendering a phlegmange in Photoshop before realising that such a thing was not only beyond my capabilities as a graphic manipulator but almost certainly more than I could stomach on any given day.
Quicksand warzone
Based on the flimsy premise of two programmes adjacent to each other in my Virgin Media television guide one evening (‘Quicksand’ and ‘Warzone’, whatever those televisual treats might have been), I concatenated them in my mind to ‘Quicksand Warzone’ and thought it would make a hilarious idea for a TV show. Imagine two teams of contestants from the general public forced to fight each other to the death using only the equipment available to common infantry during the First World War. Now imagine that bloody bayonet-based battle pitched in a no-man’s-land made entirely of perilous quicksand. That’s what I imagined. I wrote it down too. In a fit of opportunist pique I suggested it to Robert Llewelyn (formerly of Scrapheap Challenge, among other things) but he sensibly ignored me.
Ambiguous condemnation-based website
Enraged at the utter cuntishness of the brief Israeli/Hamas conflict in the Gaza Strip I felt obliged to register my outright condemnation of Israel’s actions (while desperately attempting not to appear an anti-semite). For a brief moment (albeit a moment long enough to permit the idea to be written down) I thought that I could set up a website where the general public could express their outright condemnation of anything they chose, before realising that this had already been done by the BBC’s utterly mental Have Your Say.
whocomparesthecomparisons.com
Overwhelmed by the sheer number of comparison websites currently advertising in every corner of the media from television adverts to children with gocompare.com scratched into their foreheads, I came up with the staggeringly original idea of a comparison site comparison site. This would of course be done in a very silly fashion, perhaps cashing in on the forthcoming Watchmen film through woeful overuse of “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?“. Unfortunately this is probably far funnier in my mind than it would ever be if realised, and I lack any meaningful ability when it comes to shoving databases up the internet. Fuck that for a laugh.
Whorecasting
Despite the name I’m sure this had nothing to do with prostitutes or their dubious practices when I thought up the idea, but now I can’t think of it meaning anything other than weather forecasts by whores (already expertly realised by Ulrika Jonsson) or some sort of scientific analysis of which street corners hookers were likely to occupy at any given time. Oh dear.
Meat smoothies
Another Photoshopportunity completely beyond my meagre abilities, this would be a smoothie made out of mince. Considering my vegetarian tendencies I appear to be developing a rather unhealthy obsession with meat in all its forms, and in particular new as-yet-undiscovered forms. Like a bottle of pureed meat. Mmm.
Sradno Vada
At some point in recent memory I decided that it would be a jolly good idea to change my name to Sradno Vada. I might have gone with this had I not already decided to change it to Baxter 1935. You heard it here first.
So there you go. I didn’t say they were any good, but now that I’ve purged them from my mind and notebook I’m quite confident that the nightmares will stop.
For now, at least…
I particularly like whorecasting. It recalls a rather amusing Day Today sketch about the gay roads, the gay currencies, the gay seas etc.
The question remains as to what illustrative icon could be used for whores. Perhaps the system of colour gradients currently employed for temperature could be tweaked for other purposes? Instead of blue through to yellow, perhaps it would be pink through to brown? I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
Re: Meat smoothies – a similar, though not identical practice was undertaken by Homer Jay Simpson in King of the Hill, where he becomes obsessed with Power Sauce energy bar foods. He believes “every food should be consumed in bar form”, and purees a spaghetti meal in his blender. He then phones for an ambulance. His one mistake? It wasn’t 100% meat.
@DanH I imagine that the arrows usually used to denote wind and the speed thereof could be used to indicate the prices of various acts, for example £20 emblazoned across an arrow pointing straight down.
@Kevin The words “100% meat” have just caused me to be a little bit sick in my mouth.
I like the idea of TV guide porntmanteau.
Can’t think of a good one now though.
Shit.
I’ll be back later after i’ve gone through my Sky Plus guide.
@Von
Like this one I prepared earlier? The picture in the corner was completely accidental (it’s actually a Spice Girls video). You win a prize if you spot the funny.