“Are there defects? Yes? Then you must call us! We are ROAD DEFECT PEOPLE.”

or

“TELL US ABOUT THE BAD ROADS.”

The grunting, mouthbreathing mass that is the general public must only be communicated to with the most basic of concepts, and instructions so simple that an ant could follow them. There are of course certain circumstances where a little extra prod is required, or perhaps the smallest of nudges in the right direction, and clearly road defect reporting is one of them due to their use of AN ENORMOUS FUCKING LION to hammer home the point.

“TELL US ABOUT A POTHOLE OR THIS FEROCIOUS CREATURE OF THE WILD WILL TEAR YOUR FAMILY’S THROATS TO RIBBONS.”

It doesn’t seem particularly necessary, does it? No matter how benevolent the intentions of this flavescent felid are I’d expect most motorists first instinct to be that of iminent peril, swerving into the embankment at speed before scurrying off to find a hawthorn to climb into for refuge. Before long the motorways of Britain would be left strewn with deserted motor vehicles as the roadside areas begin to fill with a new feral society of wild-eyed sales reps stalking the litter-strewn heath in rags. It’s not a pleasant future is it? No sir.

So, next time you’re whizzing along at 70mph, eyes transfixed on the motorway furniture sticking out of the verge, think about what you’re looking at. Think about that road defect reporting sign. Think about those cold, dead, hunter’s eyes staring at you like the puny bag of succulent meat that you are. Think about your new life spent squatting in a layby eating insects as your eyes dart to and fro, looking for signs of a lurid yellow beast moving in for the kill.

On a slightly less macabre note, I’ve done some detailed analysis of elements commonly used in the nomenclature of infrastructure maintenance animals, in a fashionable ‘bullet point’ format:

Using these three constructs as a basis, I have come up with a list of my own creations, each more wondrous than the last:

Of course, if you have any ideas for a fancy beast to help publicise the plight of our country’s ailing infrastructure, do let us know via the usual means. Or comments, if you prefer.