Cobra Beer have a lot to answer for. Whichever vile marketing goons they hired for their current advertising campaign have fashioned a thing of such utter repugnance that spermatozoa actively sterilise themselves in order that future generations aren’t born to witness it.

In each of these vomit-inducing animated vignettes currently airing predominantly on Dave (the BBC’s unofficially sanctioned repeats channel) three blokes exchange what is supposed to be the channel’s trademark witty banter. Unfortunately the level of wit possessed by Cobra’s marketing chimps is significantly less than Wildean, and after scrawling some inane drivel on a napkin in their own shit they bounded off for another tea party prior to prolonged session of horrifying medical experiments.

Worse still, the pedestrian musings of these woeful simian shitklaxons is almost invariably sandwiched between funny, intelligent programmes like QI or Have I Got News For You. The contrast between the whimsical observations, disarming charm and knee-quiveringly smooth voice of Stephen Fry and the grating, screeching idiocy of these adverts is so jarring that I’d be amazed if it hasn’t contributed to at least one death. I expect the long term effects of exposure to this must be comparable in terms of permanent physical injury to gargling cocktail sticks or regularly bathing in Sabatier knives, and so the deaths are sure to come sooner or later.

Do you hear me, Cobra Beer executive types? Deaths! You have the blood of innocents on your hands! You have lured a nation into a bottomless pit of mental deterioration! You pigs! You swine! You diabolical fuckers!